386 — The Haw-Hawed Couple (3)

Synopsis

Our episode opens with Bart drinking hot Pepsi and Marge and Homer fighting .. or so you think! Instead, they're playing a recording of them fighting so the kids won't bother them while they throw down. Triple X throw down that is. Maybe it's "throwdown." Whatever it is, though, Bart and Lisa walk in when the recording screws up when the tape player's hit by one of Marge's shoes that she was apparently wearing in bed and starts playing America, which is an awesome band, by the way. A curious Bart and Lisa walk in on their parents, and at least Bart is scarred forever until he gets invited to Nelson's birthday party and starts focusing on that instead.

Martin makes a really awful joke about the word "faggot," (you know, a bundle of sticks) while Bart incites the other kids to refuse to go to Nelson's party because if no one goes, Nelson can't beat all of them up. He probably good, but that's not relevant to the plot. Marge overhears Bart's plan and forces him to go to the party, which doesn't suck after all because Nelson's mom won a lot of money in a settlement when a carnival ride hit her on the head. If this were another show, we'd probably get to see that clip, but it's up to our imagination now.

Bart finally reveals that no one is coming because Nelson is kind of a jerk. Nelson gets upset, but Bart ends up playing with him for a while, and they really click. Well, Nelson thinks so since he calls Bart his best friend, but Bart is quite wary until he realizes that Nelson can protect him from the other bullies. I never got how Nelson was at least as tough as the other bullies since he's a lot smaller and only in the 4th grade, but that's besides the point. Bart also accepts Nelson's Nelson Vest while Nelson reminds the other bullies about how cool Bart is. Doing the Bartman is wicked cool.

Meanwhile, Homer reads Angelica Button and the Dragon King's Trundle Bed, the ninth book in the Angelica Button series, which is an obvious parody of the Narnia books, to Lisa. Either the characters Angelica and Graystache are really similar to Lisa and Homer, or the visualization of the book is just from Homer's imagination. Whatever it is, Homer gets really into the book, but Lisa is too tired to stay up and doesn't want her dad to read ahead. I guess 8 year olds want to be read to, including hyper-intelligent ones. I'll keep that in mind in case I become a dad.

Bart enjoys being a somebody in a school of nobodies even though the entire point of the start of the episode was that Nelson was so unpopular, all the kids ganged up to boycott his party. Homer can't wait to read the next chapter of the book, "An Unexpected Occurrence," which is also apparently the end of the book or something. Homer finds out that Graystache dies. I guess Dumbledore dies in the same way, but I don't really know.

Milhouse is upset that Bart is hangin' with Nelson so much, and Milhouse claims that Bart is Nelson's sidekick. Bart disagrees and flies kites with Milhouse, but Nelson becomes extremely jealous as he witnesses the blue and red kits flying (the colors of friendship, for whoever's interested). Bart goes to meet Nelson later and lies about where he was, but Nelson caught them. He gets upset and smashes his own camera and attacks Bart. Bart starts living in fear, and Grampa's wisdom that bullies are not actually cowards, but are brave 'cuz they're strong, is no help. Nelson accosts Bart, but only to tell him that he's sorry for attacking him before. Bart tells Nelson he can't handle his craziness and asks him to leave him alone. If those pronouns confused you, don't worry about it, because the point is that it seems like Nelson wants to kill Bart now.

Homer has to read the end of the book to Lisa, but he doesn't want to end her childhood, so he makes up the ending where Graystache lives and other stuff happens. Even though Homer's greatest skill is lying to a child, Lisa doesn't believe him and reads the end of her hidden copy of the book. In a sweet moment, she decides that her dad's ending is better.

Bart and Nelson go on a field trip with the rest of the fourth graders. They go to the beach or something, and Nelson picks Bart as his field trip buddy. Apparently they didn't learn about the buddy system in that previous episode about the 3rd grade. Bart almost drowns, but Nelson saves Bart's life. Nelson accuses Bart of being a bad friend, saying that Bart was only hanging out with him for protection and gifts. Even so, Bart realizes that Nelson touched him. The episode ends with Homer upset about Graystache, complaining to the drunks at Moe's. Man, this might have been the longest synopsis I've ever written.

Normal Review

Not much to say about this episode except that I liked it. There was some really funny stuff in it, mostly the Nelsonisms and Homer's recounting of the final battle of Graystache is practically a classic. This episode tried to have a lot of emotion with Bart and Nelson, but I think it fell short there. Nelson just comes off as a clingy weirdo ex-girlfriend type. However, Homer & Lisa's make up for this in spades.

Nerd Review

No major complaints here, except I really can't stand the "faggot" joke that Milton says. I think this was just for 4th graders who may be watching the episode or something. The Simpsons does like to make those kinds of school yard jokes from time-to-time, but it was dumb.

I do really like the Harry Potter knockoff. It's obvious what it's parodying, but it almost seems like it could be its own story altogether. I mean, you hear about J.K. Rowling or Rowlings or whatever it is ripping off Larry Potter and the Troll film, so it's not so unrealistic that someone publish something like Angelica Button. I like how she's not actually a wizard in the story while Harry Potter was. I think that adds a lot of character.

385 — Ice Cream of Margie with the Light Blue Hair (3)

I actually don't know what the name of this episode is based on, but it starts with Bart admitting to only eating the eyes off of a lobster and Homer goofing off at the nuclear plank. Homer is caught by Mr. Burns, and even though he's wasting time with Lenny, Carl, and some other people without names (sadly not Charlie), Burns singles him out. An ice cream truck pulls up, and Homer runs off to buy some. Burns fires him, and Homer pays the ice cream man with a $100 bill. He dies while dispensing change. I guess he had a stroke or something. Homer decides he should be an ice cream man after the dead one's widow talks to him about how she can't do anything with the truck. Yes, it's one of those episodes.

Even though the Simpson children can no longer afford to go to the orthodontist, they're very excited about how Otto has pimped out Homer's ice cream truck. The Simpsons blatantly rips off the opening of Da Ali G Show, which is one of the greatest pieces of television for anyone who has not seen it.

In the meantime, Marge watches Opal and sees an expose .. segment .. whatever .. about housewives who leave their lega-she by accomplishing something noteworthy and apparently making a lot of money. Marge is embarrassed about how relatively unsuccessful she is even though she'll end up creating Shapes in the future, but this episode isn't about that.

Homer does a really good job being an ice cream, or Mexican cheese man, I guess. While he preaches lactose tolerance and the meaning of the word glad, Marge laments about how her life has no meaning and the fact that her kitchen table is covered in Popsicle sticks. Apparently, Popsicle needs to be upper-cased since it's a company. Maybe I should say frozen stick-supported desert logs. Whatever they are, Marge starts making sculptures out of people using the sticks. She did study art, after all, so it's good to see her putting her talent to good use.

Marge becomes one of Kent Brockman's Kentristing people. All is right with the world, and the rich Texan wants to sponsor an art show for Marge's wooden wonders. Homer has to go pedal his wares, but he promises Marge he will be back in time for the show. Homer makes it, sort of. He crashes into the sculptures and ruins them. All of them. Marge obviously becomes very upset.

Other things happen, I guess. The episode ends with Marge constructing a giant sculpture of Homer because she accepts that even though he's not perfect, she loves him deeply. This in spite of Homer not knowing her birthday and valuing her sculptures at $300, but he did give a very nice speech about how he liked being an ice cream man because he got to give Marge the sticks that she could make art out of. Also, iPods take over the earth. That's kind of a dated reference..

Normal Review

This episode has some good and some bad. It actually doesn't have anything bad, but there are some lulls. I don't think the Marge/Homer fight gets anywhere close the emotion of earlier seasons. Homer is so ridiculous now that it's just not possible. If you really think about the situation: Homer randomly became an ice cream man and ruined her Popsicle stick sculptures which leads to Marge rethinking her love for Homer, it makes no sense whatsoever. There are some good gags, though. Mostly Homer and Lenny & Carl lines.

Nerd Review

The episode explicitly states that Homer gives Marge the sticks that she uses to create the sculptures. Let's think about this for a second. First off, how would Homer even get the sticks? Do kids who buy sticked ice cream really return the sticks to the ice cream man? Maybe Homer was eating a lot of his own stock. Then, we have to consider that Marge made at least 10 life-sized sculptures of Springfieldianites. Let's estimate that the surface area of one side of a Popsicle stick is 4 inches (8 * 1/2). The surface area of the average adult male human body about 3000 square inches. That's about 750 Popsicle sticks for one sculpture, and Marge makes at least 10 of them. Homer had to bring Marge 7500 Popsicle sticks. She had these sculptures after two weeks, apparently. Let's also assume Homer works 40 hours a week. That gives Homer a total of 4800 minutes to generate 7500 Popsicle sticks. This means that Homer has to sell one Popsicle about every 36 seconds. I'm not sure how long the average sales transaction takes, but Homer can't be selling the entire time he's working either. What's more is that even if he was able to sell at this rate and travel time/stick delivery is not included in work time, he still does not generate the required number of sticks until the end of the two weeks. This means that Marge could not have created the 10th sculpture at the end of the second week.

I also looked back at the episode, and it actually shows at least 13 adult sculptures in addition to some large props and other smaller sculptures (of children). Since Springfield is the world's fattest town, the average surface area of males is probably larger than the average too. Marge probably needs at least twice the number of sticks as my earlier estimate -- maybe even a lot more. Even if Homer worked double-time it wouldn't be enough to generate the required number of sticks in two weeks. I'm also not too sure whether Marge would be able to create that many sculptures in what seems to be a relatively short amount of time.

384 — Moe'N'a Lisa (3)

Synopsis

Homer wakes up having to remember something, but he can't remember what he has to remember even though there are bizarre messages all over the house saying "don't forge" and "don't forget." Marge tells everyone to get ready to go to the Senior Olympics (which is probably worth of a lawsuit for use of the suffix "lympics") to see Grampa. That's not what Homer was supposed to remember, though. It was Moe's birthday fishing trip.

The family enjoys the antics of old people trying to exorcise. When they return home, Moe is waiting, but Homer manages to avoid him by ducking down. Yes, while driving. Finally, Moe throws a brick with a note through Homer's window. Lisa thinks that the note is poetry, and wants to interview Moe as one of Springfield's interesting people. Apparently she had to do that for a school project or something. She does, and she creates an epic poem from post-its of random thoughts Moe has strewn about his apartment and names it Howling at a Concrete Moon. Yes, apparently she can do that. Lisa's class doesn't get it, but Lisa sends the poem to "American Poetry Perspectives," and they publish it.

Moe is invited by Tom Wolfe to the Word Loaf festival in New York(which is apparently not a real thing). At first, I thought it was Wordlowe or something. They probably should have made that clearer with a sign gag or something. The family has a good time at the festival until Moe claims that he came up with the title himself and doesn't give Lisa any credit. Lisa is obviously crushed, but Moe goes back to ask her for more help writing a brilliant poem for the farewell dinner.

Moe starts reading the safety instructions or manual or whatever -- actually I guess just the capacity from the elevator. Moe is caught, and when Bart and Homer come to pour maple syrup on his head, Moe sees a distraught Lisa and speaks from his heart about how Lisa helped him so much. By the way, the syrup thing is because Homer and Bart found out about how Lisa felt at some point and wanted to get revenge on Moe. Lisa forgives Moe, and life goes on.

Normal Review

It's fairly obvious that this show is named after the Michaelangelo painting. Besides that, I enjoy this episode a lot because it has quite a few funny moments and the family does get to go on a somewhat interesting adventure. I'm not a grad student .. yet, but I hope I get food after grading only 1,500 papers instead of the required 3,000. This episode has some great quotes from Moe ("oh right, right, my actions") and Homer ("No one makes my daughter sob and run!"), which I think is quite an accomplishment in any show. I like what the show does with the credits now, sometimes. Homer's tasting of maple syrup like it's wine was cute.

Still, I had read on a forum or something somewhere about how Moe is one of the few characters in the show who hasn't deteriorated in quality over time. I disagree quite a lot. I think Moe's voice and manner of speaking has changed a bit in a weird way relative to before. He's also not nearly as funny when he's not horrifyingly immoral. Moe is also becoming more of a gross-out character, which really misses his point in my opinion.

Nerd Review

I like how Homer tries to submit an incorrectly-rhymed limerick to "APP." In a later episode, they discuss about how Homer is incapable of remembering limericks, so there you go.

This episode also features the chief editor from Spiderman again. (Actually voiced by the same guy from the movie both times, J.K. Simmons). The writers really love that character apparently since they used him twice. I kind of like him too, but it's still a bit weird to me that they just kind of ripped this off. The "drive between sips" gag was also really annoying to me. I really don't like the long, drawn out gags. They're not funny! They don't become funny again after a certain point. Isn't The Simpsons strapped for time now to make more room for ads?

By the way, there is a big sign that says "WORDLOAF" at one point in the episode. I guess I should probably pay more attention.

383 — G.I. D'oh (1)

Synopsis

I really don't like this episode largely for personal reasons since my father is a retired U.S. Army Colonel, so I'll just give a brief synopsis. Basically, Army recruiters at the mall try to get the newly fired bullies to sign up. The bullies refuse, and the recruiters decide that what they have to do is set their sites on younger children to sign commitments to join the Army later in life which can't possibly be legal since minors can't enter into contracts as well as for a variety of other reasons. Snopes seems to agree.

Bart pre-enlists, but Marge makes Homer tear up his contract. Apparently the thought of Bart joining the Army is terrifying to Marge even though it would probably be the best he could do in life. Homer ends up joining the Army instead (even though he joined the Naval Reserve before, which Marge didn't seem to have much of a problem with). After going through basic training, Homer is apparently supposed to become an easy target for war games to prove the Army is good or something. It doesn't really make sense. Homer manages to escape, and Springfield turns into a police state. Springfield wins by coming together to fill their water reservoir with booze to get the Army drunk. I feel like this was on South Park or something, but it makes no sense whatsoever. Aren't the soldiers from Springfield? How would they not hear about this plan? Why would they drink alcoholic water (unless it was really that watered down).

The episode ends with Homer still having to serve the rest of his term, and he works as a recruiter. Turrble.

Normal Review

This episode does have some funny moments here and there, but there is a lot of Army and U.S. Government bashing. That's not all that unusual for The Simpsons, or even a problem really, but when there's an entire episode devoted to ripping on the totalitarian fascist state that the writers seem to think is the United States, it gets pretty annoying for a lifetime conservative republican like me. Another problem with this episode is that there's a lot of Army humor, which isn't funny to me. I think that maybe some people in the Army may like it, but I don't know. I just don't get it. There was also that really long and pointless Tom & Jerry parody. I guess the writers were like, "hey, we have to do it some time, and we don't really have anything else in this episode, so we might as well do it now."

Nerd Review

I read the perfect summary for this episode: "Dear U.S. Army. Fuck you. Signed, The Simpsons."